I can not sleep

I lay awake yet again tonight, unable to fall asleep. Once I am asleep, I am fine it is just getting to that point. I keep thinking of my mom. Tonight, it was different than usual many of the same horrible images, but tonight I kept imagining myself becoming sick like she was. I was visioning myself with a bowel obstruction that would not allow me to keep any food down, getting sick around the clock because there is this horrible thing blocking the pathways of my body. I don't know if anyone else thinks of how they might die, I don't usually allow myself to think about these things, but tonight it just sort of happened. I started to pray to God to not let me die like her. Then of course my minds goes to the good things about her death. We were able to kind of prepare. Take lots of pictures, tell her everything we could think of to tell her. I would want my loved ones to have that same chance....but yet, please God don't let me suffer and die like she did. I miss her so much and about every other night I just wish I could go over to the room next to mine and lay next to her. To touch her face, to hear her voice, to pop those giant zits on her back.....such a dumb thing to miss, but I do. I miss everything about her, even the things that made me so angry. Her saving everything in sight, her digging through the trash after I cleaned her house to see what super important things I might have thrown away..." you never know when you might need this!!" Ohh it used to make me so mad, but I miss it. I am sorry to do this if anyone might be upset right now, but sometimes you just have to unleash the monster inside of you before it takes over. I just wish that I could take the images of my sick mom out of my head. I dream about it and think about it all of the time and I just wish that it would go away. I know it will make me stronger, and hopefully it will give me the tools to help someone else in the future...it will, that is how God seems to work in my life. He sets challenges in my path and then uses them to help me help other people. That seems to be the best therapy for me. I just cant wait untill the day that we are all in heaven and sadness, cancer, illness, and all things evil and of the devil are no more. Praise God for another night with a home over my head, a baby and loving husband in my bed and good health. Sorry I just had to do this. I love you mom and miss you so freaking much.